Growing up with a sibling with a disability
Sibling relationships often are the longest-lasting relationships that children form. Relationships vary greatly, based on the ages, gender and age span of the children, their shared interests and their family’s lifestyle. Variations in closeness, time spent together, and warmth in sibling relationships are expected in families where one child has a disability. Each sibling is affected by their brother or sister and by the relationship they form.
How might a typically developing adolescent feel about having a sibling with a disability?
Feelings vary between people and over time periods in their lives. Typically developing teen or young adult siblings may experience a range of emotions including:
- Increased understanding and empathy—many siblings of children with disabilities develop a maturity about the needs of others and appreciation of their own health.
- Pressure to overachieve in order to “compensate” for a sibling.
- Worry about the well-being of their brother or sister with a disability and/or worry about what the future holds for both them and their brother or sister.
- Anger or embarrassment about a sibling’s appearance or behavior in public.
- Jealousy of time and attention a sibling receives because of a disability.
How might siblings relate as they get older?
Adolescence and young adulthood are times of change for typically developing brothers and sisters, for their siblings with disabilities and for families. As young people become independent and leave home for school, work, or new relationships, family members change their longstanding patterns of interaction and shared time. Many transition issues will be the same when one sibling has a disability. However, issues about expectations and future responsibilities for the sibling with a disability may make this time more challenging for families. These years may be a critical time for sibling relationships. Emotional closeness in adolescence is predictive of the siblings’ future relationship.
Discussing a disability with a typically developing teen
Once children have progressed to their teen/young adult years, they have a greater capacity to understand more complex information about their sibling’s disability and the impact on daily and long-term functioning. Open communication in the family about the sibling with disabilities sets the stage for greater understanding and more realistic expectations. The more typically developing siblings understand and are understood, the more likely they will be able to communicate a full range of feelings about having a sibling with a disability.
What might a typically developing child need during adolescence or young adulthood?
There may be gaps between a sibling’s intellectual understanding of a disability and their emotions. Take time to talk through these emotions. Sibling support groups can connect your child to other siblings. One-on-one counseling may prove to be beneficial as well. At this age, typically developing siblings often begin to worry about their future and how their plans will be impacted by their sibling with a disability. It is important to talk openly about their concerns, to encourage their questions about the future, and to share information about family planning. When possible, include the adolescent or young adult sibling in planning for their brother or sister’s future. Include the sibling with the disability as well.
What are the special needs of the family?
A family will benefit from participation in traditional family activities whenever possible. All children should be encouraged to develop as much independence as possible, contributing to the family and having responsibilities within their capabilities. Discuss future care-taking needs of a child with a disability. Request and value the opinions of all family members. Avoid steering typically developing siblings into a care-taking role and encourage them to take time to work towards achieving their own personal goals. Help the child with a disability understand why other siblings leave home (for school or work) or spend more time with other friends as they get older. Encourage all family members to develop new ways to stay in touch even when they are not living in the same household.
‣ VKC Resources
- StudyFinder
- Tennessee Disability Pathfinder
- Tennessee Kindred Stories of Disability
- VKC Sibling Programs
‣ Local and National Resources
- Autism Society of America
- National Down Syndrome Society
- Sib Leadership Network
- Sibling Support Project
- The Arc Tennessee
- The Arc US
Top photo © Riekefoto | Dreamstime.com
[October 2010]